(Or: the Daughter, the Sister, the Aunts, and the Cousin)
Part One: The Daughter
End of September, my honey gets a call from his hometown: his second daughter (who stopped speaking to him years ago) is in the hospital. She was visiting older daughter and had a scary-bad headache, which they diagnosed as a brain aneurysm (later modified to subarachnoid hemorrhage.) They treated it with medication only (which was good) and kept her inpatient at a superior facility (which was good) but the hopes for recovery were very much not good. She was unable to complete sentences or thoughts, had impaired motor control, etc., and then we heard nothing. Older daughter was busy taking care of business, what with insurance and doctors and her sister’s ex in Arizona refusing to take their infant back. Meanwhile her job, college courses, and care for the three young children she raises on her own made demands of their own. Can we go home to help? With what money, to do what?
Of course, her mother — her thieving, abusive, mentally ill, drug addicted, but very loving and codependent mother — was going to hop a flight and come take care of her daughter and her grandchild. I hated to hear this, since she was the one who knowingly put this child in the hands of molesters and abusers; she was the one who kept this child out of school for years of her young life; she was the one who did meth with the child; she was the one who taught the girl how to be a criminal. But daughter adores mother and needed her. Naturally, my already acute frustration with a family that does not know what questions to ask doctors, and phrases things in the most dramatic, catastrophizing, inaccurate ways (true to their Southern heritage) became staggering. (Or maybe I’m an asshole for thinking it’s better to ask a doctor about a prognosis than it is to make wild statements about how She’s Going To Be A Vegetable Forever And Ever!) Part of my frustration was stifled anger, of course. I never keep things from my husband, and it took a force of will to keep my mouth shut, but his daughter’s condition is one almost always caused by trauma recent or remote — exactly the kinds of trauma she experienced in the care of Evil Mom, during their years off the grid and out of his reach. The idea of Evil Mom showing up as nursing angel made my chest tight with rage. But the news dried up. We heard nothing. Perhaps she did save the day. Bless her if she did, right?
Then the “hearing nothing” phase turned into “mother never showed.” Second daughter checked out AMA, went home to her local boyfriend, wrote a note, smiled and laughed, kissed him goodnight, and took all of her pills. Back in the ER, back inpatient, heart breaking. Idiot boyfriend didn’t catch on for a long time and then called sister instead of 911. Second daughter, in a coma. Good brain activity, but completely unresponsive. Yours truly, furious that no social work / case management had occurred. And again the news dried up.
After waiting patiently, we begged for more news. Oh, she’s fine. I think. Constitution of a meat axe, that girl. She woke up. Evil Mom arrived, checked daughter out AMA (again), and took her back to their hometown in Arizona, meth capital of the west. The end, no moral.
Part Two: Intermission: No Music, One Aunt
So this takes us to mid-late October, a brief respite before the horror show that was the US election. It’s been covered extensively elsewhere. I’ll spare you the sick stomach and heartache. But November was also fraught for me and mine. More health scares. The loss of loved ones. The loss of beloved pets. Assaults at work. The failure of a tax measure in my state that will deprive the elderly and the infirm of care and keep their basic needs unmet — not to mention making thousands of working families unemployed. Brace yourself for homeless and unmedicated children, old people, veterans, mentally ill and developmentally disabled people. With lots of pressure at work and the prospect of unemployment for me (and still no employment for my spouse), this started a process of negativity, fear, stress, and simply being in shock all the time — still the backdrop for my life, but a fresh hell that began here.
About this time, my mom’s cousin, a dear lady who means a lot to me, had a stroke and went into a nursing home. She was one of those folks we grow in the northern states: hardy, brisk, sweet, sarcastic, unemotional, hardworking, loyal, and with a robust joy and determined good nature that kept her ancestors afloat as prairie farmers. She was a salon owner in the 80s and I owe a voting share of my first burst of confidence to her, for she lovingly cut, colored, and permed me into a state of social elevation. She gifted me with Camaro Hair. And now she is tearful, mute, and desperate, because incapacity is what we fear. She won’t cooperate with PT, engage in activities, or talk to anyone but my mother.
And my mother, in the anti-therapeutic tradition of the northern US, chided her for being weak, chided her for not turning to Jesus with gratitude for her life, chided her for being afraid. When I asked if anyone was treating her for depression, Mom got angrily defensive, and listed all the many people who showed up to tell her to “snap out of it.” My pointing out that this is not an effective treatment for depression revealed that my mother believes therapy to be Satanic, that it makes things worse, that it is “the petting of the flesh” and not of God. I knew she was that way about psychology and long-term, non-problem-focused therapy, but I had taken pains to explain that short-term, goal-oriented treatment is different. I thought she got it. Instead, I got an earful of why my new career is occult bullshit. Not true, but it hurt to hear my mother say it to me, especially after her hearty endorsement of my career change, going back to school, and reshaping my life.
Part Three: Aunt the Second and Sister the First
The backdrop for this battle: my sister and mother drew a line in the sand with my local aunt. This aunt was another saint to me from junior high through college, and the (adoptive) mother of my two cousins, boys who were like brothers to me. The good son, whom she worships, went to West Point and Harvard, and is a published professor with a published-professor wife who started a foundation, writes books, and is a MacArthur Fellow (winner of the “genius grant”). But Aunt’s local son worships her — even though he was always a bad boy, dropping out of school, getting arrested for DUIs, etc. She kicked him out young and wished him luck with his alcohol abuse, but he was her shame, even though he eventually got married and got work and came running whenever she needed a job done.
This aunt has a long and mixed history with my sister. Their relationship turned weird. Auntie became domineering, demanding, and insulting; sister became passive, and very resentful of the domination, but did not say anything. I am not a victim-blamer, but I also know that if you are dancing with someone who keeps stepping on your feet, and you don’t ever utter one goddamned peep, it is not appropriate to stew in silent resentment of this person who is treading on you. If you feel too much is being asked, it is incumbent on you to say no. If you feel overused or ill treated, it behooves you to speak up. It is never okay to mistreat someone, but if you are going along with it, it’s not out of line to assume you just have a funky boundary dynamic that might mean you’re actually really close.
So my sister puts her foot down — but not about her own issues; instead, she insults the aunt by accusing her of worshiping her older son and “trying to force the rest of us to worship him too”. Oh shit; shots fired.
Remember, this family is diehard backwoods Christian. Idolatry is a horrible accusation.
Lots of drama, lots of she-said/she-said. Aunt says, “you’re dead to me”. Mom says, “if she’s dead, I’m dead.” Sister huffs and puffs on her high mountain, wondering why her righteous accusation did not result in Aunt modifying her behavior and mending fences — after all, that’s what Sister herself does when Mom pulls that shit on her. Isn’t that the way the world works?
Sister asks me to talk to Aunt about all this. I say sure, but what do you want from it? If you think she’s going to apologize, she’s not, and if you want to reconcile with your abuser (for things really went down that path eventually), I don’t know if that’s a great idea to me but it is up to you. Sister beats around the bush, but intently. “I just want her to know how much she’s hurt me, and she won’t talk to me so I can’t tell her myself.” Okay, but what is the outcome you want? Are you trying to punish her for hurting you? Are you trying to demonstrate why her apology would help? Are you hoping for reconciliation ? “I just want you to tell her.”
This aunt did not speak to me for years. When Mom and Sister were fighting with Aunt, they used Good Cousin’s standing me up years ago as the example of Why You Shouldn’t Worship Him. Of course Aunt came to his defense. But she didn’t ask me for my side, and so she never knew that I didn’t give two hoots about being stood up after the first flush of anger. Mad at the time? Sure. Grudgy? Heck no. So I was pissed that Mom and Sis used me as a tool against Aunt, and pissed at Aunt for not finding out from me how I felt. But this whole non-issue was the excuse for their fight.
Part Four: The Cousin
When I visited Home last spring, my local cousin pulled me into his truck and begged me to talk to his mom, my aunt, on the phone. He dialed and held it to my ear. She was stiff, but I wasn’t, and having some small talk warmed her up a little. No frost in my tone. I made some humorous self-deprecating remarks, and asked about good cousin’s family, and she was getting on a roll when she lost her nerve, had to go, bye now. Cool. And cousin was shaky with relief — he loves us all and hates for us to be fractured. I said to his wife later, quietly: if it weren’t for him, I think this family would just break apart. She nodded vigorously and said, “Yes. Yes. I totally agree.” Not happily.
Cut to December. My local cousin was feeling crummy and went to his chiropractor / naturopath for help. His wife works for this dude, so they get a discount. He did some kind of cleanse and had abdominal cramps that took him to the hospital. They admitted him, drained more than a gallon of fluid from his abdomen, and told him to rest for a few weeks. His construction job said they would take him back, but they needed the money — one in grammar school and one in diapers, which a part-time office worker can’t support. But my cousin could not even drive due to confusion and pain. Rehospitalizations occurred.
The family did not handle this well. Cold, damp weather aggravates Mom’s rheumatoid, and she won’t take so much as an ibuprofen for it. She becomes, for want of a better term, mean as catshit. The pain is crazy-making and she can’t think well, but she is good at being mean and hard to avoid. She and Aunt are back on speaking terms, but Mom keeps saying shitty, withering things — while Aunt goes into flights of fanciful hope, Mom deals with fear by being snotty and hard-hearted. Sister goes into full judgment mode, unable to mention Cousin without referencing his addiction, and always in the most harsh and denigrating way, without an iota of compassion, and the joke is on you if you think her Christianity is tainted by any sincerity or kindness. She is also unable to mention Aunt without resentful, accusatory butthurt. Any hint that a very sick person could at least be spoken of without reference to his always showing up at family gatherings with alcohol on his breath were met with the rapid and righteous chorus of “But It’s The TRUTH”, and a litany of why “I’m not going to pretend he’s not an alcoholic just to cater to your bleeding heart liberal bullshit.”
Called Aunt at first hospitalization. I had been postponing this due to the unclear message from Sister on what she wanted from the conversation, but how often does my younger, stronger cousin go to hospital? We talked for 45 minutes and it began in a fraught way, but Aunt can’t help but pepper her language with obscure references, and I can’t help but snort and answer back. There was some of the sweet feeling when someone really gets your little ways and is right there with you. And we ended by cheering each other up about Cousin, thinking about how soon he would feel better, and this might be what helps him to lasting change, and hey, why not hope? It was a good call.
Afterward, I was busy thinking about how this could be a good groundwork for a LOT of family reconciliation — that if Aunt trusted me, I would not betray that trust, but I would try to push things back on the rails with her and Sis. Naturally, this was more of my bleeding heart liberal bullshit. Sister emailed the next day, cold and cryptic, asking for a good time to call. Then there was some cold and cryptic questioning. Apparently Aunt called Mom right away to say we had had such a great talk and “I’m glad at least ONE of your children gets my sense of humor!” Sigh.
I said Yeah, and? It was tactless, but that is the beginning of her acknowledging that there is a real gap between you, and there is. It’s a start. If you thought that she was going to call in abject humiliation to beg forgiveness, you know that’s not ever going to happen. And if you thought that my conversation with her was going to be a call out of the blue to heap abuse on a mentally ill 75 year old woman whose younger child was just hospitalized, you know that’s not the way I would do things either. This was just an opener. What is the problem?
Sister’s tits were calmed a bit, but she said something that rocked me: when Mom told her about the call from Auntie, Mom said, “She must have sold you out.” The fact that my mother would assume that I would do that was a punch in the gut. I have never and would never do that. This changed the conversation. Sister didn’t back away from that (of course she didn’t; “But It’s The Truth”) but suggested I talk to Mom. I said I would need to think about that for a while.
Because the fact is: I never told my sister that the grandfather she adored, the man who raised her as a father, molested me when I was in grammar school and she was in the crib. She found out later, and we have discussed it obliquely. But we have the understanding that her experiences were different from mine, and we both had valid experiences for all they were so different. I actually referenced this when I said I would talk to Aunt, because I know what it’s like to have no one on your side against a family member who has hurt you. I said I would have to work up to it, and she accepted that, or at least accepted that she had to wait for me to find the right time.
Part Five: Code, and Coda
I didn’t have the chance. Cousin got worse and worse, in and out of the hospital, more and more fluid drained from his abdomen. My sister did dwell on his alcoholism, but only once acknowledged that he got hepatitis when he was a teenager after being violently sexually assaulted in jail. My cousin died in the hospital (where my grandmother, my mother, and I all worked) on the 30th of December, 2016. He’ll get a post of his own. But the aftermath is here and now.
His wife ploughed into action: had him cremated, did all the death tasks, arranged for a memorial potluck at her boss’s church, officiated by her boss’s pastor, and attended by her family and the friends and coworkers of her and my cousin. Mom is too crippled to attend — she couldn’t even see Cousin in the hospital. Sister might not be welcome — she never got along with the wife. I can’t go due to work and money and an ice storm. Even his brother, the Good Cousin, already had a trip planned that he is is attending rather than changing — so even his own brother won’t be there. And Aunt’s twin sister, like Mom, is crippled by arthritis. She plans to send wife the money she would have used to travel.
I am just sad. So fucking sad. The last time we all came together was for Good Cousin’s wedding, twenty years ago, but we’re all staying home from Local Cousin’s memorial. I admit that as much as I want cremation for myself, having no burial or interment makes the event uncentered for me; all of our people are in the same cemetery by the park where we used to swim. I find it right and proper that his widow’s wants are everything right now, and she has arranged things to her taste. I don’t believe she would be happy to see us, and might have a resentful thrill at our absence more than any hurt for her man.
But my poor Aunt will be alone among strangers at his funeral today.
My heart breaks for her. But I will say it here, among silent friends: her adoration of her older boy, with his genius, his talent, and his sweet good humor (now lost to pompous amour-propre) excluded her younger son, with his raw physicality and disinterest in school. He was the black sheep. He spent years trying to gain her adoring regard for himself, and she let him do that with thanks but no love. When his older brother, my Good Cousin, found the kin that gave him up for adoption, he changed his name to theirs and traveled to see them every year. That’s fine. He let Aunt come stay with his family for months every year to provide free childcare. And she was thrilled to do it for her older son, much as her younger son would get out of bed in the middle of the night for her, and drive to her house from two towns over to do some minor errand at her whim.
My local cousin never wanted to find the blood relatives who gave him up for adoption. When the topic would come up, he would look at me with those black sea lion eyes and say, “This is my family, right here.”
My poor cousin. Martyr to our family’s dysfunction. And his funeral today, the day after the anniversary of my grandmother’s death. And I endured her funeral apart from my family, babysitting Aunt, who was making crude jokes and and snide comments in my ear the whole time. The grandmother I adored was the mother who used to beat her with a broom, and cursed her for a liar when she accused her uncle of raping her. This same aunt took me in days after the funeral when I had an allergic reaction at Mom’s house and couldn’t breathe. Mom paid for my urgent care visit and my inhaler, but viciously and persistently insisted that I hated her and hated home SO MUCH that it was giving me a panic attack.
Ladies and gentlemen: my family.
My dream is that sometime in summertime, we can all come home to celebrate him. The weather will warm the bones of the old ladies. My good cousin and his wife will bring their kids to play where my cousins and I played, at the house my great-grandmother built, where my grandmother and mother and I have lived, and Mom lives still. My aunt and sister will have had time to reconcile, if they are going to, and we can remember my cousin in his natural habitat — in the mountains, at the lake, in the grassy yard where we ran and wrestled. His widow can come and bring his kids, but she knew a man we didn’t. This will be for us, and the boy we knew, and the family we used to be.