In response to an open post on FB: https://www.facebook.com/notes/simon-ashworth-wood/romance-and-sex-for-everyone/1130062180377582
“Many men have asked many women to go on a date and all of the women said no, and those men got upset and gave up. … I have already tried for 3 years since my wife separated from me, and no success. If nothing changes, men like me will continue with low self-esteem, wasting many years, suffering upset after upset, and many men and women will die alone.”
— “If nothing changes, men like me will continue with low self-esteem.”
So many problems.
First, and I say this with love, maybe something about you is getting in your way. Your approach, your personality, your choice of women, your…assumptions that women are supposed to be the answer to your self-esteem problem, or anyone’s. Frank assessment is your friend here. If you think everything is perfect and you have no idea why you are not aces with the ladies, you need to bring another set of eyes to bear on the situation.
Second, and I can’t stress this enough: the problem of your self-confidence being tied to people (women) outside the locus of your control.. If your self-esteem is not based on earned self-respect, no self-respecting person will be able to connect with you. Not as an equal.
Problem 2.2: if your self-respect truly is tied to women saying yes, and if you are truly unwilling to change that self-destructive, healthy-relationship-killing position, then pick easy girls and get some. I mean it. This isn’t a put-down aimed at easy girls; it’s exactly the opposite. It’s applauding the universal benefit of loving people who need it. It’s leaving a dude in happier shape than you found him. But they know, and you need to learn, that they don’t know you and they don’t want you specifically – they see that you need love and are willing to give you some of their abundance. It’s not pity. It’s giving a random dude a chance. For folks who lack the internalized memory of mother’s loving regard, it is a working substitute. There are many dudes walking around with memories that make them smile and walk a little taller and feel a little less lonely. And that helps everybody.
— “…men who are…rejected because of prejudices and women being judgemental” [sic]
The thing is, my friend, a person’s reasons for not wanting to be with another person don’t have to be rational, measurable, listed, objective, testable, or subject to anyone else’s approval. It gets down to Want or Not-Want. No one has to explain or seek permission for whether or not they want someone else. The fact that this is not apparent to you is a red flag for potential partners. (Especially if you think that one of the only valid reasons a woman should say no to a dude she does not crave is already having a partner. Your statement ignores the right to Not-Want. It implies that women are slot machines waiting for you to want to play them. If you don’t understand why that is true, it’s an even bigger red flag, indicating a self-centered lack of empathy for anyone perceived to be withholding what you want.)
— “and these men given little or no compassion or support” (because this is dating. You sing the blues to your buddies, and THEY give you compassion and support) “then go on to treat women as objects without feelings.… I know that after I failed and was rejected by some women who I really liked, I did this with a number of women.” Just because they weren’t interested didn’t mean you failed. But you still can’t see why your attitude about women is not making you friends among them? Take a moment and think about why women might not be eager to take on a guy who exacts revenge for things other women have done to him. It’s no good when women do it to men, it’s no good when men do it to women. People who do that are not fair or reliable. It’s one thing to have trust issues; it’s another thing to cheat and blame it on some girl from way back when who wouldn’t put out.
Put simply: the threat of eye-for-an-eye retribution in relationships is not an incentive to date you. It does not make me think, “Oh, no! I might be used callously for consensual sex and – gasp! – never called again!” It makes me think, “This guy got hurt – not even abused; just ego-bruised because he didn’t get the women he wanted – and tried to use that as a justification for treating other women callously. This guy is not only showing his ass in public. He is trying to blame the women he wants for his behavior toward the women he doesn’t want. AVOID AT ALL COSTS. He needs you for his self-esteem, he will make you pay for the perceived slights of the women who came before you, and he will not stand up like a mensch when he screws up. He will cheat on you and blame you for what he did. DANGER.”
— “REAL solutions include…people being more compassionate, caring and supportive to men”
At this point, you may have a better idea of why Not All Men should have “people” (i.e., women) being supportive of very childish behavior. If so, we are at the meat of the matter. And please accept my sincere compassion. You are right that people should be kind to one another. No question. People who bravely step forward to try to engage others should be warmly handled and graciously accepted or rejected. Please be understanding of the fact that women, like men, are not perfect. Sometimes there is clumsy treatment of others due to feeling nervous, or confused, or unworthy, or a million things more trivial or more harsh.
Please also understand that you might be the nicest guy in the world – but that some of the most dangerous dudes deliberately camouflage themselves with mildness and come across exactly as you do.
Please understand that there are shitty and immature women in the world, just as there are men. Most of us are messed up units and need to cut each other slack. I recommend this to women who think men hold all the cards, and I recommend it to men who feel likewise powerless.
“…WOMEN choosing to be less superficial and prejudiced and instead get to know a man before rejecting him….”
Let me say that if you tried to get close to women, and they hurt you, they are to blame for the meanness. And yet you might ask yourself whether you are attracted to callous women. I’ve said the same thing to many girls: what’s with the attraction to hard dudes? Don’t answer me, but be honest with yourself. If bitchy, callous females do it for you, and you don’t care to break the habit, accept it. Learn how to love them. And never forget that being attracted to scorpions means getting stung. You refer to the women who rejected you as superficial and prejudiced. Why are you attracted to superficial, prejudiced women? Honest question. If you only found out after you were rejected, you dodged a bullet. Bless the knowledge. But if your sole evidence for these labels is that they didn’t want you, that’s not enough. That doesn’t make them bad in any way. Just not right for you. The fact that they said “no” is evidence enough that you two would have been a good match – it’s just that they saw it first. Learn from it and move on.
The more you look at the situation objectively, the more you will learn.
The more you aspire to be a better person, the more you will connect with your deepest values and truest self.
The more you are true to that self, in word and action, the more self-respect (and true confidence) you will have.
Then you will be ready to find a partner who is past all her main growing pains and ready to be with someone congruent to her, just as you are past the petty hurts of youth and comfortable in your experience. Confident.
Until then, go with a lot of girls. Be honest, be real, be respectful, and enjoy it – don’t abuse the privilege. Find a buddy (not a wingman!) who can be there for you in the bad times – even better if he has a lady who can fix you up, or fix you pancakes the morning after you show up with a six-pack to sing the blues. The more experience you get, the more perspective you get, and the better prepared you will be to recognize a keeper when she comes along.